"Pearls" from Stan Dale

I am very lucky to have found a friend, mentor and teacher named Stan Dale (1929-2007).  Almost every thing Stan said was worth thinking about. And much of who I am is as a result of listening to Stan.  Here's a small sampling:

• Fantasies can set you free.
• There are no rules for jumping into the “new.”  No one's ever been there before.
• If not now, when?
• I know you, you're just like me.
• It all changed when I realized I'm not the only one on the planet who's scared. Everyone else is, too.
• All endings automatically equal new beginnings.
• Comfort zones are plush lined coffins. When you stay in your plush lined coffins, you die.
• Children are not horses that need to be broken.
• Welcome home to your heart.
• You can't lose your temper.
• Have your emotions, don't let your emotions have you.
• Loving yourself starts with loving yourself.
• No one can make you do anything you will not do (not even at the point of a gun).
• Our experience is not the result of our circumstances, it is the result of our thoughts about our circumstances.
• A wonderful way to wake up-kiss your partner's feet and heart. It only takes a couple of minutes.
• Awareness plus experience equals potency.
• Bless your former partners for all they have taught you.
• Love and like have nothing to do with each other.
• There is either love or violence. 
• There is no behavior called love (only loving type behavior).
• Love is not an emotion. It's a choice.
• All human behavior is either an act of love or a cry for love.
• Permission is one the most powerful psychic forces we know. When you are given permission to be intelligent, creative, or unafraid, you are far more likely to do so, than if you forge ahead on your own.
• Permission could be called encouragement or "I believe in you".
• We do not own our children. They have been entrusted to our care for the youthful period of their lives not their adult lives.
• Why let someone you don’t know, like Freud, etc. label your sexuality?
• If you want a label how about naturosexual - naturally sexual.
• Every second we each get a second chance.
• Fear is a negative fantasy.
• Most people in our culture are adrenalin addicts. Adrenalin is more powerful than heroin.
• Stop shoulding on yourself.
• You are who you think you are.  But who you think you are is not really who you are, you are much more magnificent than you think.
• The awesome power of fantasy is awesome.
• Is that thought or belief serving you?
• Are you looking for the obvious?
• Intimacy = In to Me You See
• QTIP = Quit Taking it Personally
• A man would rather jump out of a plane attached to a bit of fabric than say I love you
• Tell me you love me; that's nice. Tell me the truth and I know you love me.
• What is SEX? Sacred Energy eXchange. Spiritual Energy eXchange. Senusual Energy eXchange.
• Who said so, and why did you believe them?
• The paradox is you have to be potent to be vulnerable. And you have to be vulnerable to be potent.
• Your parents are just a little boy and a little girl who had sex one day, and nine months later you came along.
• Don't worship at the alter of your emotions.
• Every parent to child transaction (looking down shaking finger at child) will elicit a child to parent response (looking up at parent, flipping him/her off)
• Fear, the dirtiest four letter word
• Love is like the sun - it shines 24 hours a day, whether you notice it or not
• Love is the answer. What is the question?
• If love isn't your message, what is?
• If you don't go within, you'll go without.
• Violence is a cry for love.
• Please don't hold back your tears because they wash both of us clean

Are You an A**hole?

Awhile back I read an interview with Carol Bartz, Yahoo CEO (in the May 2010 issue of Esquire).   She said “I don’t work with assholes.  Are you one?”

IMHO this is both a great question and a really a**hole question.  I mean, who but an a**hole asks people if they're an a**hole?  And is anyone so much of an a**hole that they'd answer "yes"?  And is Bartz such an a**hole that she can't tell if you are?

OK, maybe I'm taking this too literally?  Maybe she really means "Don't be an a**hole."  Now that's advice I can really get behind.

-The freeway is jammed.  The guy on your right decides he needs to be in your lane.  Now.  Don't be an a**hole.  Let him in.  Let him get home one car length sooner than you.

-You're in line for the cashier with a full shopping cart.  The person behind you is holding three items and two kids.  Don't be an a**hole.  Let her go ahead of you.

-You've been looking for a parking spot or about five minutes when one opens up a bit ahead of you.  As you ease towards it someone from the opposite direction just flies into it.  Let it go.  Don't be an a**hole.  Sh*t happens.

-In the above, don't be that a**hole who just takes the spot without regard for whoever has been waiting longer.

You get the idea.  Think of it as a guideline for a happy life - Don't be an a**hole.

The Right Time to Kiss Your Date

RULE 1:  There is no “right time” to kiss someone you know you don’t like.

A kiss is a statement.  A kiss says “I think I like you, maybe even care about you, am potentially interested in you, want to know you better”.   When we kiss someone we don’t like, we are telling a lie. 

RULE 2:  A kiss is an intimate act. 

Intimacy, say the word aloud and it sounds like IN-TO-ME-YOU-SEE.  If you feel unsafe, guarded, walled up, self-hating, then the kiss is a waste of time.    If you are pretending to be cool, pretending to be more sexually experienced than you are, pretending to be the person you think s/he would want to kiss, then the kiss is a waste of time.  Let him/her really see you.  Be real.   Be yourself.  You are enough.

RULE 3:  A kiss is a bio-chemical test.

Scientists actually study kissing (the field is called philematology).  Scientists are exploring the links between the behavior (kissing) and changes in our brain chemistry, including reduced cortisol (stress hormone), increased oxytocin (bonding hormone), released endorphins (ecstasy hormone), and more.  Unconsciously, our kisses tell our brain about fertility and estrogen levels, as well as information about our immune systems.  There’s also evidence that swapping saliva is a way to increase (slightly) testosterone levels, which often increases libido.  And all this is happening below the level of conscious thought!

If you don’t like his/her smell, or you just don’t want to kiss, even though there’s no good reason not to, pay attention. If the biochemistry is wrong, your body will tell you by having you feel disinterested or even creeped out.   If the biochemistry is right, desire will be present.

RULE 4:  Feeling an almost overwhelming urge to kiss someone is a great time to kiss.

Attraction is really complex.  There’s psychology, and brain chemistry, and scent, and all kinds of things fueling our sense attraction.  Analysis is paralysis!  While you are trying to figure out why you are attracted, you are probably killing the moment.  Trust that the reason you want to kiss isn’t as important as the feeling that you want to kiss.

RULE 5:  Desire is most often an aphrodisiac.

You want to be wanted.  So does s/he.  I know that there is lot of advice out there about “playing it cool” or “playing hard to get”, but by and large, “playing” anything is a losing strategy.  Let your date know that you feel desire for him/her.  Ask if s/he feels it, too.  Then move your faces closer and say something direct like “I really want to kiss you right now.”   If s/he says something like “Yeah, me too,” then kiss.

RULE 6:  Kissing without consent is one of those things that you see in the movies or you’ve gotten away with in the past, that is, in fact, a kind of violation.  Don’t do it.

So, when is the right time for this kiss?  As soon as you notice that you like this person and would like to share your time, feelings, energy, etc., it’s time to kiss.  As soon as you get up the nerve to ask, and s/he says yes, it’s time to kiss.    Sometimes it happens the moment you meet.  Sometimes it happens as you talk.  Sometimes it happens as you dance. 

If it hasn’t happened by the time you are saying goodnight, and you want it to happen, go ahead, take the risk, ask for the kiss.

Gunner's Code, part 2

31.             What you look for, that’s mostly what you wind up finding.

32.             Injustice requires people of good character to say nothing and do nothing.

  

33.             When you realize you’ve dug yourself right into a hole, the first thing to do stop digging.

34.             Cultivate gratitude.  It’s not money or possessions or prestige that makes life worth living, it’s being

35.             “Making love” and “having sex ”are not the same things.  They both have their delights, but given the choice, you can build a life on the first one.

36.             The person that has the problem is the person that has the solution.  Others can help you gain perspective, but only you can solve your problems.

37.             Wash your hands.  When you think about everything your hands have touched today, do you really want to smear that on her?

38.             If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

39.             Feelings are like icebergs, what you see is the 10% on the surface.  Take the time to discover the 90% that isn’t showing.

40.          Most of the big lessons in this life are simple, but few are easy.

41.          I’m not a “friend” to the herd, and I won’t be herded by my “friends”.

42.          Fix problems, not people.

43.          My Dad always said: “Never wrestle with a pig.  You both get covered in sh_t, and the pig likes it.”

44.          Sad but true: show me a good-looking woman and I’ll show you a guy that’s tired of doing her. 

45.          Lots of times it’s my “Boy Scout” training that serves best.  That oath still applies.

  

46.          There are two kinds of people: people who think there’s two kinds of people and people who don’t.

47.          It’s true what they say: fortune favors the bold.

48.          It’s often hard to tell the difference between falling and flying…until the landing.

49.          We’re all in this together and we’re each in this alone, and nobody is going to get out alive.

50.          Mostly, sleep is over-rated.  You’ll sleep a long time when you’re dead.

51.          If God meant us to spend our lives alone He only would have made one person in the first place.

52.          In the movies, a fast way to show a character is angry is to have him get in a fist-fight.  In life, a fast way to demonstrate your immaturity and general lack of good sense is to get into a fist-fight.

53.          Everyone has an off-day now and again.

54.          It’s OK to feel angry, hurt, sad, frightened and/or ashamed.  Humans are born with the circuitry to feel these things hard-wired into our brain.  Trying to not feel them will only make things worse.

55.          If you want to be able to rely on it, then you had better take care of it.

56.          By and large, freedom isn’t free.

57.          After you get all done assigning the blame you’ve still got to fix the problem.

58.          Fix problems not people.

59.          Just because a billion flies like to eat sh_t doesn’t mean you have to.

60.          Sometimes, if you can just ignore it, it will pass.  Then other times, it just isn’t going to get better ‘til you get up and fix it.  Try one approach.  If it doesn’t work, try the other.

61.          Want to stop standing at the bar watching and waiting?  Learn to dance.

62.          Really important travel isn’t usually about getting somewhere it’s about getting to someone.

63.          “Lonely” is just “alone” plus “BS”.

64.          Aspiring to be “normal” is setting the bar way too low.

65.          Everybody poops.  That hot girl at the bar, that cowboy in the hand-tooled boots, the preacher, your mother, everybody.  I’m just sayin’.

66.          I learn a lot about a person from their handshake.  I learn more from their hug.

Gunner’s Code

1.  The only rules are stuff like gravity and inertia.  Go ahead, try to disobey gravity.  Everything else is just suggestions and guidelines.

2. It’s never too late to go back and apologize.  But it’ll be a lot better if you don’t wait very long to do it.

3.  Everybody likes getting flowers.

4.  Everyone is trying his/her best.  Hard to believe, but there it is.  That “idiot” you’re honking at is really driving just as good as he can.  Your Dad, your Mom, that was actually the best they could do.

5.  It’s simple:  if they’re driving faster than you they are maniacs, if they’re going slower than you, they’re morons.

6.  Before they start dealing the cards take a long hard look at each player at the table.  If you can’t spot the chump, it’s you.

7.  No woman ever dated guy who yelled, whistled, made obscene gestures at her as he drove by.

8.  If you don’t see how pretty she is right now, just wait ‘til closing time.

9.  You could complain, but I bet it wouldn’t help anything.

10.  If you’re not livin’ out on the edge, you’re probably taking up too much space.

11.  Half of all the Doctors and Lawyers and Contractors and Plumbers – half of everybody – are below average.  Think about it.

12.  If you don’t wash the car before you show up, you don’t think highly enough of my daughter to take her out.

13. All women are beautiful.  If you can’t see it, it’s a failure of your vision.

14.  Every woman you meet is somebody’s daughter.   I have a daughter – apple of my eye.  ‘Nuff said.

15.  It takes a real man to be vulnerable.  Any bozo can put on armor.  Real men aren’t afraid to take that armor off.

16.  When you’re not sure what to do, put the gun down.

17.  The only time your finger belongs on the trigger is when the very next thing you’re going to do is fire.

18.  If you don’t know how, there’s no shame in asking.

19.  Either your horse is going with your plan or you’re going with your horse’s plan.

20.  It doesn’t need a bigger hammer, it needs more tools.

21.  The race isn’t always to the swift, but you’d be a fool to bet it any other way.

22.  If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, whatever it actually is, your best bet is to treat it like a duck.

23.  Saying a thing louder doesn’t make it truer.

24.  Trust your heart. 

25.  Power and force are different.  Power empowers others.  Force doesn’t.

26.  You can’t diminish the power of the words “I love you” except by not saying it when it’s true or saying it when it isn’t.

27.  The heart is like no other machine.  Sometimes the only way you can know if it’s working is by letting it get broken.

28.  They’re going to put something on your tombstone.  Do you really want it to be “We never really knew him all that well”?

29.  Go ahead and laugh.  Living in this world you have to see that God has a heck of a sense of humor.

30.  Everything in this Universe is constantly changing.  Everything.